In all abusive relationships, inevitably the abused may begin to question how their own behavior may have necessitated the cruelty.  It is that stage at which I find myself with the SyFy original films.  How can I possibly blame the movie when I was the one watching it?  Knowing full well that it was a SyFy premiere, knowing that the presentation of a film on a Saturday night almost assuredly dooms the quality of the movie, how could I expect any different?  And yet, I find myself scouring the DVR for that rare gem that can be mined from a pit of inadequacy, and then the darkness comes when I must acknowledge that this never would have happened if I had chosen not to watch it.

Our feature in question is Jeffrey Scott Lando’s House of Bones, written by Anthony C. Ferrante (Boo) and Jay Frasco (Dirt Boy).  Lando has previously directed similar features, such as Insecticide (I like the title of that one) and Decoys 2: Alien Seduction.  Starring Corin Nemec (S.S. Doomtrooper, another great title) as Quentin, House of Bones portrays the investigation of an allegedly haunted house by a team of television ghost hunters.  The team has brought on board a psychic, Heather (Buffy and Angel alum Charisma Carpenter), ostensibly to determine if the house is haunted, but really because she’s a cutie and the ratings are sliding.  

Shortly after their arrival at the house, a hired crewmember by the name of Bub (Kyle Russell Clements) goes missing, yet is still heard in the house.  When other members of the team, including the creepy-looking Tom Rule (Rick Robinson, Jr.), begin to encounter strange sights, they are quick to conclude that this house is different – it’s actually very haunted.  To make matters worse, the house itself appears to be alive, repairing itself with every drop of blood spilled on the floor.  It even has a mouth of sorts, a well that serves as a delivery method for potential new caretakers to feed it, and, in return, the house will protect that individual.  

Shortly after their arrival at the house, a hired crewmember by the name of Bub (Kyle Russell Clements) goes missing, yet is still heard in the house.  When other members of the team, including the creepy-looking Tom Rule (Rick Robinson, Jr.), begin to encounter strange sights, they are quick to conclude that this house is different – it’s actually very haunted.  To make matters worse, the house itself appears to be alive, repairing itself with every drop of blood spilled on the floor.  It even has a mouth of sorts, a well that serves as a delivery method for potential new caretakers to feed it, and, in return, the house will protect that individual.  

The house does other groovy stuff, too, like subvert outgoing calls to the local real estate gal instead of the police, drawing her to the cursed property to be consumed and used.  Even when the cops do show up, they are easily dispatched by the house’s influence over weeds and fences.  You sort of have to see that to believe it.  Essentially, the house can do whatever it wants to and with anything that exists on the property, but there is some confusion over whether it can directly harm people, as it clearly does in a handful of scenes, or whether it needs this caretaker to continue killing, which is also implied.  

show up, they are easily dispatched by the house’s influence over weeds and fences.  You sort of have to see that to believe it.  Essentially, the house can do whatever it wants to and with anything that exists on the property, but there is some confusion over whether it can directly harm people, as it clearly does in a handful of scenes, or whether it needs this caretaker to continue killing, which is also implied.  

One thing I can’t stand in a movie is when the story doesn’t follow its own rules.  You can convince me of a lot if you give me a reason to believe that the event keeps with the logic of the story.  I don’t believe in Indian burial ground mojo, but when the freaky Freelings discover that their home is built over the top of one in Poltergeist, it makes total narrative logic.  House of Bones doesn’t bother to set ground rules, so the script manages to be a catch-all of haunted house tropes: the haunted attic, possessed visitors, creepy old music, ghostly figures and open windows slamming shut on unsuspecting tenants.  Given that it does a little bit of everything, I suppose you can’t blame the movie for trying, but it’s hard to do a lot of things well when you have demonstrated no consistency in the logic of the haunting.

The performances are pretty shaky from the principals, as well, and the effects are the garden-variety CGI you’ve come to expect from a SyFy film.  The sound design gets kudos for the nom nom nom sound when the house eats someone thrown into its makeshift mouth.  I’m working on a way to make that a ring tone.  Noms aside, this is a sadly generic take on an idea I really like – the investigators going into the haunted estate, over their ectoplasmic heads with malevolent forces eager to make the newcomers part of the undead family within the walls.  This was done well in The Haunting and The Legend of Hell House, and a few others, but the throw-everything-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks approach doesn’t do the viewer any favors here.  This film is best viewed after a night of tequila binging, when the brain is too sluggish to complain about acting, effects or story.  All others, steer clear of this house.  

have demonstrated no consistency in the logic of the haunting.

The performances are pretty shaky from the principals, as well, and the effects are the garden-variety CGI you’ve come to expect from a SyFy film.  The sound design gets kudos for the nom nom nom sound when the house eats someone thrown into its makeshift mouth.  I’m working on a way to make that a ring tone.  Noms aside, this is a sadly generic take on an idea I really like – the investigators going into the haunted estate, over their ectoplasmic heads with malevolent forces eager to make the newcomers part of the undead family within the walls.  This was done well in The Haunting and The Legend of Hell House, and a few others, but the throw-everything-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks approach doesn’t do the viewer any favors here.  This film is best viewed after a night of tequila binging, when the brain is too sluggish to complain about acting, effects or story.  All others, steer clear of this house.