Before we look at the film Vampire Killers, a brief diversion.  This film is better known under its international title, Lesbian Vampire Killers.  Albeit a more lurid title, it also captures the tone of the film far better than the generic Vampire Killers title ever could.  In fact, the US title is so bland as to make the film sound like any number of straight-to-video releases that are easily dismissed.  What makes this hypocritical beyond the obvious change to placate the US distributor is the notion that this change occurs in the same market where a title like Donkey Punch gets a pass.  Are we so terrified of homosexuality that we cannot accept a title that makes a reference to the state of being gay?  A donkey punch is a far more lurid and disturbing act, arguably, but that did not necessitate a title change.  Released in the United States by Vivendi and The Weinstein Company, the puritanical and nonsensical name change can only hurt a small European film which was reportedly written after the title was conceived to be the most marketable title the creators could imagine.  One of those things that frustrates a citizen about the very state of being an American.  

But enough ranting, what about the movie?  Given that the land of its birth is the home of the Hammer vampire films of the latter twentieth century, Vampire Killers makes its hay from sending up the eroticized vampire films of the late ‘60s and early ‘70s like Daughters of Darkness and The Vampire Lovers.  Directed by first-time feature director Phil Claydon and written by Stewart Williams and Paul Hupfield, who have spent most of their careers in television comedy, Vampire Killers also borrows heavily from Shaun of the Dead for its blending of the horrific with the silly.

Mathew Horne plays Jimmy, a likable enough schlub who has, yet again, been dumped by his girlfriend.  His best pal Fletch (James Corden) has just been fired from his job as a children’s entertainer, mostly due to his dislike of children.  With no money and no prospects, the pair decides to take an adventure, tossing a dart at a map to determine their destination.  They find themselves on the road to Cragwich, a town haunted by a terrible curse.  After an ancient battle on those grounds with the vampire queen Carmilla (Silvia Colloca), in which the lascivious queen was banished, a curse was placed on the town leaving every female child of the village destined to become a lesbian vampire on their eighteenth birthday.  When Jimmy and Fletch arrive at the village, they are sent to a remote and abandoned inn, along with four sultry folklore students, to serve as sacrifices for the town.  As it so happens, Jimmy is the descendant of the very knight who banished Carmilla, and he, along with Fletch and Lotte (MyAnna Buring), a virginal folklore student, must stop Carmilla’s reawakening and end the curse of Cragwich.

Lovers.  Directed by first-time feature director Phil Claydon and written by Stewart Williams and Paul Hupfield, who have spent most of their careers in television comedy, Vampire Killers also borrows heavily from Shaun of the Dead for its blending of the horrific with the silly.

Mathew Horne plays Jimmy, a likable enough schlub who has, yet again, been dumped by his girlfriend.  His best pal Fletch (James Corden) has just been fired from his job as a children’s entertainer, mostly due to his dislike of children.  With no money and no prospects, the pair decides to take an adventure, tossing a dart at a map to determine their destination.  They find themselves on the road to Cragwich, a town haunted by a terrible curse.  After an ancient battle on those grounds with the vampire queen Carmilla (Silvia Colloca), in which the lascivious queen was banished, a curse was placed on the town leaving every female child of the village destined to become a lesbian vampire on their eighteenth birthday.  When Jimmy and Fletch arrive at the village, they are sent to a remote and abandoned inn, along with four sultry folklore students, to serve as sacrifices for the town.  As it so happens, Jimmy is the descendant of the very knight who banished Carmilla, and he, along with Fletch and Lotte (MyAnna Buring), a virginal folklore student, must stop Carmilla’s reawakening and end the curse of Cragwich.

These days, you cannot make a horror-comedy without begging comparisons to Shaun of the Dead, which is a bit unfair as SotD may be the best horror-comedy in the history of film.  But, so much of Vampire Killers echoes the aforementioned modern classic that the comparisons must be made – the pair of friends, one of whom is a slovenly wiseacre, obsessed with the genitalia of others and his own, the other fresh out of a broken relationship…  It’s as if the writers took the framework of SotD and inserted vampires.  Not that the writing is quite that lazy, but the story is not going to win it fans on that score.  What’s most disappointing about the film is that the idea of parodying the Hammer films that exploited female sexuality is absolutely ripe for satire.  Vampire Killers just doesn’t do anything terribly clever with it.  There are a few gags that work, but this modern film uses lesbianism in the same way that a film like Vampire Lovers did, admittedly heightening it, but never acknowledging just how silly it is, how much of a male fantasy those films are.  And the character of Fletch is the perfect vehicle for such a skewering, but all he manages to do is bemoan the fact that, because these lovely bloodsuckers are lesbian, he’s never going to get it on with them.   Speaking of the once-titular lesbian vampires, the multiple scenes of the vamps gesticulating suggestively works the first time you see it, but way too much time is spent seeing them writhe for no particular reason.  They are beautiful, sure, but at a certain point, it feels a bit unnecessary.

descendant of the very knight who banished Carmilla, and he, along with Fletch and Lotte (MyAnna Buring), a virginal folklore student, must stop Carmilla’s reawakening and end the curse of Cragwich.

These days, you cannot make a horror-comedy without begging comparisons to Shaun of the Dead, which is a bit unfair as SotD may be the best horror-comedy in the history of film.  But, so much of Vampire Killers echoes the aforementioned modern classic that the comparisons must be made – the pair of friends, one of whom is a slovenly wiseacre, obsessed with the genitalia of others and his own, the other fresh out of a broken relationship…  It’s as if the writers took the framework of SotD and inserted vampires.  Not that the writing is quite that lazy, but the story is not going to win it fans on that score.  What’s most disappointing about the film is that the idea of parodying the Hammer films that exploited female sexuality is absolutely ripe for satire.  Vampire Killers just doesn’t do anything terribly clever with it.  There are a few gags that work, but this modern film uses lesbianism in the same way that a film like Vampire Lovers did, admittedly heightening it, but never acknowledging just how silly it is, how much of a male fantasy those films are.  And the character of Fletch is the perfect vehicle for such a skewering, but all he manages to do is bemoan the fact that, because these lovely bloodsuckers are lesbian, he’s never going to get it on with them.   Speaking of the once-titular lesbian vampires, the multiple scenes of the vamps gesticulating suggestively works the first time you see it, but way too much time is spent seeing them writhe for no particular reason.  They are beautiful, sure, but at a certain point, it feels a bit unnecessary.

At the end of the day, Vampire Killers is derivative and not especially funny or titillating.  That is a shame, because the original title is schlocky and sexual, just like the old Hammer films, but this interpretation falls flat.  As I am often wont to say, there is a good movie to be made in this vein (pardon the pun), this just isn’t the film to do it in a smart and funny way.  In fact, this movie leaves you with the worst of all sensations – that of having seen much of this before in a much better movie.  Quick note, this review contained no references to the film “sucking” or “lacking bite.”  You’re welcome.

Fletch is the perfect vehicle for such a skewering, but all he manages to do is bemoan the fact that, because these lovely bloodsuckers are lesbian, he’s never going to get it on with them.   Speaking of the once-titular lesbian vampires, the multiple scenes of the vamps gesticulating suggestively works the first time you see it, but way too much time is spent seeing them writhe for no particular reason.  They are beautiful, sure, but at a certain point, it feels a bit unnecessary.

At the end of the day, Vampire Killers is derivative and not especially funny or titillating.  That is a shame, because the original title is schlocky and sexual, just like the old Hammer films, but this interpretation falls flat.  As I am often wont to say, there is a good movie to be made in this vein (pardon the pun), this just isn’t the film to do it in a smart and funny way.  In fact, this movie leaves you with the worst of all sensations – that of having seen much of this before in a much better movie.  Quick note, this review contained no references to the film “sucking” or “lacking bite.”  You’re welcome.

to do it in a smart and funny way.  In fact, this movie leaves you with the worst of all sensations – that of having seen much of this before in a much better movie.  Quick note, this review contained no references to the film “sucking” or “lacking bite.”  You’re welcome.