Another remake, another horror icon updated for a new generation.  This time ‘round, the fedora-wearing, knife-gloved Fred Kreuger finds his way back into our nightmares with the Samuel Bayer-directed A Nightmare on Elm Street.  It’s hard not to do a Mad Libs-style review in which the complaints of previous Platinum Dunes efforts remain while the plot and character names are substituted.  But, unlike the Dunes, I will not recycle material in such an off-handed fashion.  I have respect for my work.

The story is much the same as the 1984 thriller.  A group of high schoolers find themselves menaced in their dreams by a hideously deformed killer who is equal parts vicious murderer and quipster.  We have lined up for the slaughter waitress and artist Nancy, as portrayed by Rooney Mara, brooding Quentin (Robert Pattinson… er, Kyle Gallner), beautiful Kris (Katie Cassidy) and Jesse (Thomas Dekker).  I left out a descriptor for Jesse only because I have no idea of his character’s attributes, aside from the fact he has a lot of mousse in his hair.  Then again, lots of these kids do.  I wonder if they live near a natural mousse deposit?  Sorry… back to the movie.

Once the gang figures out they’re dreaming about the same boogeyman, they begin to pick apart the secret of his identity.  We, of course, know that this is one Fred Kreuger, Esq., he of the child-killing variety.  Except he doesn’t kill kids in this version, at least not at first.  In this update, he’s a child molester.  Or maybe he’s not.  The film plays with the idea that Kreuger may have been unjustly killed by the parents of our heroes based on misconceptions and exaggerations by the children.  So, either Kreuger is coming after these now-teenagers because he has grown from groper to gouger or he is visiting revenge on the children for their parents’ actions.  Who is the antagonist of this movie, then?  The parents?  Krueger?  Either way, he has invaded the sleep of these kids, slicing them up whenever they drift off.

variety.  Except he doesn’t kill kids in this version, at least not at first.  In this update, he’s a child molester.  Or maybe he’s not.  The film plays with the idea that Kreuger may have been unjustly killed by the parents of our heroes based on misconceptions and exaggerations by the children.  So, either Kreuger is coming after these now-teenagers because he has grown from groper to gouger or he is visiting revenge on the children for their parents’ actions.  Who is the antagonist of this movie, then?  The parents?  Krueger?  Either way, he has invaded the sleep of these kids, slicing them up whenever they drift off.

Another update involves the addition of micro-naps, waking dream states which occur after a sleep-deprived individual crosses the 70-hour mark.  Thusly, Freddy may appear at any point, whether it be a school, the safety of a bed or a local drug store.  As our heroes begin to die off, Nancy and Quentin brood their way to the truth behind Freddy’s mayhem, leading them back to the pre-school they attended as children.  The pre-school, I would be remiss to omit, where parents drop their kids off to be looked after by loving educators and the gardener who lives in the basement.  Call me overprotective, but that little tidbit would make me rethink my educational choices for my child.  

I was optimistic going into this one due to the inclusion of Jackie Earle Haley as Krueger, a guy who oozed menace in Watchmen and Little Children, and he is certainly the best thing about this film, which is to say he’s adequate in the role.  His make-up, this new burn victim take on the previous incarnation of Freddy, is unimpressive at least and a bit silly at worst.  There, I said something nice about this movie.  Now, let’s talk singed turkey.

The pre-school, I would be remiss to omit, where parents drop their kids off to be looked after by loving educators and the gardener who lives in the basement.  Call me overprotective, but that little tidbit would make me rethink my educational choices for my child.  

I was optimistic going into this one due to the inclusion of Jackie Earle Haley as Krueger, a guy who oozed menace in Watchmen and Little Children, and he is certainly the best thing about this film, which is to say he’s adequate in the role.  His make-up, this new burn victim take on the previous incarnation of Freddy, is unimpressive at least and a bit silly at worst.  There, I said something nice about this movie.  Now, let’s talk singed turkey.

This movie is so clearly an attempt to capitalize on a title, it is soul-crushing.  The performances by the lead children are one-note, dreary takes on the characters.  This may have less to do with their ability as performers than the plodding script which gives them all the texture of liquid mercury.  There are no character moments to reveal these constructs as real people – unless you include the fact that Nancy likes to draw.  They move from scene to scene as if they were told to by the script but without any sense of motivation.  To illustrate one such bit of laziness, let’s look at Nancy.  She is a waitress at the local diner.  People know her name.  After the death of a classmate, Quentin assures her that she can call anytime she needs to talk.  After Kris’ death, her boyfriend, Jesse, runs to Nancy’s house to claim his innocence.  Yet, in the last act, Nancy says to Quentin, “You may have noticed, I don’t exactly fit in.”  How so?  The people surrounding her seem to gravitate to Nancy inexplicably.  It’s a prime example of how the film doesn’t seem to care if it’s making sense or just showing random events on a screen.  

And Freddy?  Well, he’s the most disappointing of all.  Where he was a disfigured and genuinely disturbing figure in the original (remember that bit with the pinky and all the green goo?), here he’s given all the tools of his trade, but with no explanation of how they are relevant.  Why does a boiler room figure prominently in this film?  No idea.  He lived in a basement as a man.  He was killed in a factory.  At no point aside from the dream sequences, does a boiler room appear.  In the original, of course, this is the scene of Krueger’s crimes.  Here, it’s out of place.  And the gloves of doom?  The original opened with their construction.  Here, you get a brief glimpse at the end of some bits that may have been used to build them.  Why would he wear such a glove to molest children, a glove that leaves marks that would COMPLETELY GIVE HIMSELF AWAY?  The glove is great for killing kids in the original, another problematic detail in the remake.  

The entire film is like this.  Its best moments, such as they are, ape the original’s classic scares, such as the glove in the tub (why oh why does he wear the glove in this one?!) or the phantasm in the wall, here mostly ruined by obvious CGI.  The rest is tedious, insulting, lazy work that further diminishes the horror genre to infantile entertainment.  If a bearded castaway from some pile of stones in the middle of the ocean were rescued and brought to civilization having never seen the magic of film before, I would still warn him that this film is a waste of time.  It is an insulting, low-brow imitation of a film that, though imperfect, offered real ideas and real thrills.  

I generally try to refrain from pure venom in reviews, with rare exceptions.  This is one.  I hated this movie.  I think the goal of future time travelers should be to use their invention to kill Hitler before he can devastate Europe and nearly eliminate a race of people, and to stop the team at Platinum Dunes from ever having formed to desecrate the beloved horror franchises of yesteryear.  This is an early contender for worst film of the year.  If you haven’t seen this yet, I beg of you to keep your money.  It’s an aborted attempt at filmmaking that will make you a dumber human being for having seen it.  Vote with your dollars.  Make this and films like it go away.  Support original stories like Splice or The Last Exorcism and end this cycle of remakes that are obliterating the impetus to produce original material.  If quality horror is dead, this remake is the bullet that found its heart.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a good cry and a viewing of The Exorcist to set things right.  Stupid Platinum Dunes…

insulting, lazy work that further diminishes the horror genre to infantile entertainment.  If a bearded castaway from some pile of stones in the middle of the ocean were rescued and brought to civilization having never seen the magic of film before, I would still warn him that this film is a waste of time.  It is an insulting, low-brow imitation of a film that, though imperfect, offered real ideas and real thrills.  

I generally try to refrain from pure venom in reviews, with rare exceptions.  This is one.  I hated this movie.  I think the goal of future time travelers should be to use their invention to kill Hitler before he can devastate Europe and nearly eliminate a race of people, and to stop the team at Platinum Dunes from ever having formed to desecrate the beloved horror franchises of yesteryear.  This is an early contender for worst film of the year.  If you haven’t seen this yet, I beg of you to keep your money.  It’s an aborted attempt at filmmaking that will make you a dumber human being for having seen it.  Vote with your dollars.  Make this and films like it go away.  Support original stories like Splice or The Last Exorcism and end this cycle of remakes that are obliterating the impetus to produce original material.  If quality horror is dead, this remake is the bullet that found its heart.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a good cry and a viewing of The Exorcist to set things right.  Stupid Platinum Dunes…